What would YOU do? (silly edition)

alpha45 · Post by **alpha45** » Wed Jan 20, 2010 10:39 pm

Greetings fellow pilots. Here we've got another "what would you do" situation. This is an unrealistic, impossible situation, but I'd like to see what you guys would do if something like this happened.

While exploring Evochron, you hear a rumor about the key to Earth's defense grid. You hear it is in a newly discovered system, on a hidden planet. While many have attempted to explore this planet, none have returned. You decide it's worth a look. You get to this system, and after an hour of searching, you find it. The minute you see it, you know this isn't your regular hidden planet. It's pulsing many different colors. As you approach, you see the airspace is swarming with flying Nazi laser sharks. ON FIRE. The surface is guarded with Surface-to-Air exploding robot ninja launchers. That's right, they shoot flying, exploding, robot ninjas, and since the ninjas are masters of stealth, they can see you even when cloaked. Landing to avoid the flying sharks and SANs (Surface-to-Air-Ninjas) is not a really good idea, since the ground is swarming with thousands of psychotic, knife-wielding, stab-happy schoolgirls. ALSO ON FIRE. (and yes, their knives can pierce your shields and armor). FT'ing everything is not an option, since in order to get close enough to hit the ground, you have to enter the swarm of flaming nazi laser sharks. Besides, even a full load of FTs couldn't kill them all.

In the middle of this mess, you see five boxes. According to the rumor, one contains the Earth key, one contains the key to your very own personal battleship, one has the legendary BFG cannon (a laser cannon that can obliterate ANYTHING in a short burst and uses almost no energy. It can only be mounted on a battleship, but can be sold for a nice reward), one contains one of every kind of alien female (says "PROPERTY OF CHEOPS" on the side), and one contains around 50 billion credits. The only problem is, you can't tell which box contains which. What do you do?

Ethaninja · Post by **Ethaninja** » Wed Jan 20, 2010 10:48 pm

I would definatly break down and cry. I'm bad at situations like that

Ravenfeeder · Post by **Ravenfeeder** » Thu Jan 21, 2010 12:29 am

Once you got over your panic, Alpha, you'd realise that you had just landed on the St Trinnians planet for gentle school girls - avoid it like the plague, they get merit badges in homicidal psychopathic practices.

I would tell you more, but, you're too young.

verbosity · Post by **verbosity** » Thu Jan 21, 2010 1:08 am

Originally posted by Ethaninja
I would definatly break down and cry. I'm bad at situations like that

YEAH esp. if i didn't get the cheops box

Wasp89 · Post by **Wasp89** » Thu Jan 21, 2010 1:58 am

Step 1: Don't Panic

Step 2: Consult your copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Step 3: Find and employ solution from aforementioned guide.

Step 4: Skip step 3 when you realize that this level of insanity surpasses any solution that could possibly be given in the guide.

Step 5: Panic.

Post by **Marvin** » Thu Jan 21, 2010 2:05 am

Thanks to the many incarnations of Star Trek, I'm already sick to death of Nazis in outer space. So I take a page from Kirk's book and edit the "systemsdata" file ... peeking to see which box is which.

alpha45 · Post by **alpha45** » Thu Jan 21, 2010 3:34 am

Originally posted by Ravenfeeder
Once you got over your panic, Alpha, you'd realise that you had just landed on the St Trinnians planet for gentle school girls - avoid it like the plague, they get merit badges in homicidal psychopathic practices.

I would tell you more, but, you're too young.

Eh? I chose "land and fight the schoolgirl psychos".
Due to my recent nightmares involving such schoolgirls, it'd be nice to get some payback (which would involve me screaming random obscenities while obliterating them by the dozens with heavy cannon fire). Besides, these aren't the "St Trinnians" style girls (not that young you know

). These are the completely insane, "stab you with a twisted smile on their face" psychos. Who just happen to be schoolgirls.\\

EDIT: Although, even if they were the "St. Trinnians" girls, I'd probably still go with the "screaming random obscenities while obliterating them by the dozens with heavy cannon fire" option.

[Edited on 21-1-2010 by alpha45]

cheops · Post by **cheops** » Thu Jan 21, 2010 3:46 am

You didn't put down the obvious stratagy for me. I'd land and unleash my hareem on the schoolgirls and while they are busy clawing eachothers eyes out I's nick all the boxes, especially the one belonging to me.

:P:P:P

As for the flying Nazis I'd unleash a drone that kept braodcasting heil Hitler and while their right arm is rigid they cant fly properly so knocking them out would be easy.

:P:P:P:P

Ohsirus · Post by **Ohsirus** » Thu Jan 21, 2010 3:58 am

QuickSave

alpha45 · Post by **alpha45** » Thu Jan 21, 2010 4:14 am

Originally posted by cheops
You didn't put down the obvious stratagy for me. I'd land and unleash my hareem on the schoolgirls and while they are busy clawing eachothers eyes out I's nick all the boxes, especially the one belonging to me.:P:P:P

As for the flying Nazis I'd unleash a drone that kept braodcasting heil Hitler and while their right arm is rigid they cant fly properly so knocking them out would be easy.:P:P:P:P

Sounds like a nice tactic. Let me poke a few holes in it.
1. Your hareem is impressive, but the schoolgirls are in their thousands (and that's if you don't count respawning). It would be a temporary distraction at best, and you'd lose your valued collection. Plus, the schoolgirls are crazy (they won't hold back) and they have knives (catfights aren't that interesting if there's stabbing going on)
2. The Nazi distraction is good, but what about the Surface to Air Exploding Robot Ninjas?
3. While the sharks will be flying in circles, remember, they have lasers. They can still shoot at you.

[Edited on 21-1-2010 by alpha45]

cheops · Post by **cheops** » Thu Jan 21, 2010 6:36 am

You have no idea how big my hareem is and there are some lovelies in there with their own means of defence/attack, to say anymore would be giving away too much.

A few robot killer whales should take care of the sharks.

As for the ninjas well a few ghost projections of my ship should confuse them long enough for me to land

tha_rami · Post by **tha_rami** » Thu Jan 21, 2010 8:49 am

Whoever said Quicksave has my idea of awesome. What is awesome if you can't play it over, and over, and over, and over again. Honestly.

alpha45 · Post by **alpha45** » Thu Jan 21, 2010 8:50 am

Originally posted by cheops
A few robot killer whales should take care of the sharks.

As for the ninjas well a few ghost projections of my ship should confuse them long enough for me to land

Fight fire with fire! Brilliant! Combat the insanity with EVEN MORE INSANITY! You sir, are a tactical genius.

Although, robot dolphins would be better, since dolphins are cooler, plus IRL dolphins are known for beating sharks in 1-on-1 combat. Plus they'll have sonic POWERS!

verbosity · Post by **verbosity** » Thu Jan 21, 2010 9:30 am

Originally posted by alpha45
Originally posted by cheops
A few robot killer whales should take care of the sharks.

As for the ninjas well a few ghost projections of my ship should confuse them long enough for me to land
Fight fire with fire! Brilliant! Combat the insanity with EVEN MORE INSANITY! You sir, are a tactical genius.

Although, robot dolphins would be better, since dolphins are cooler, plus IRL dolphins are known for beating sharks in 1-on-1 combat. Plus they'll have sonic POWERS!

yeah also since "killer whales" are in fact sharks ( proper term 'orca' , we don't want to anger the shark rights movement now do we? ) , and therefore would probably swap sides!
and everyone knows the only real solution to the schoolgirls is to play any Cliff Richard album at full volume ( warning this may cause your own brains to leak out of your ears ).

[Edited on 1-21-2010 by verbosity]

Ixion · Post by **Ixion** » Thu Jan 21, 2010 5:50 pm

umm, verb, orcas aren't sharks, they are whales, they just eat seals. (an easy way to tell: look at the tail fin, all marine mammals have a horizontal fin)

anyways, here's my strategy:

first, create a wormhole to the Elite universe and pick up a Q-bomb or 2. (Q-bomb equals a rapidly expanding blue sphere of instant death that turns any ship it hits into another expanding blue sphere of instant death, and so on. needless to say, the results can be quite spectacular.) then come back to the EL universe, and drop it into the swarm of nazi sharks, making a boom that makes an FT look like a firecracker, the radiation released from the (rather one-sided) exchange would irradiate the planet's surface, killing off the schoolgirls in a few days at the most. then just fly in below the radar of the SAN units, and pick up all the boxes.

cheops · Post by **cheops** » Thu Jan 21, 2010 6:06 pm

Quite right Ixion Orca's are mammals not fish and neither are they cartiloginious, they not only eat seals but hunt great whites.

alpha45 · Post by **alpha45** » Thu Jan 21, 2010 7:18 pm

Good point Cheops.
Lets get back to the topic of the flaming Nazi laser sharks shall we, in case the mods lock this thread for topic derailment.

BTW, Excellent idea Ixion! One problem though. If the Q-bomb is anything like the Doctor device in Ender's Game (they both do the chain reaction explodey thing) then wouldn't the planet itself turn into a massive blue death sphere? As well as the boxes and their cargo, and most importantly, you?

cheops · Post by **cheops** » Thu Jan 21, 2010 11:44 pm

the total answer is to unleash a nanite bomb that has been programmed to attack only nazi flying sharks, schoolgirls and ninja, and reduce them to their componant atoms.

alpha45 · Post by **alpha45** » Fri Jan 22, 2010 8:06 am

Pretty good. One thing I don't like: it's too... simple. A nanite bomb would be the fastest and easiest solution, but it isn't as interesting as the crazier solutions above. A crazy problem warrants a crazy solution.
Besides, I wouldn't waste my time trying (and failing miserably due to my complete lack of programming knowledge) to program the thing, would you?

Ixion · Post by **Ixion** » Fri Jan 22, 2010 8:29 am

Originally posted by alpha45
BTW, Excellent idea Ixion! One problem though. If the Q-bomb is anything like the Doctor device in Ender's Game (they both do the chain reaction explodey thing) then wouldn't the planet itself turn into a massive blue death sphere? As well as the boxes and their cargo, and most importantly, you?

no, the Q-bomb becomes less effective as you approach any object of significant mass (somewhere between an asteroid and a moon), as the gravity well severely limits the expansion of the blue death ball, and eventually resulting in a point at which the sphere won't even form. you can read the details in a fan-fiction story available in PDF format here:

http://wiki.alioth.net/index.php/Status_Quo

i recomend it, a very good read.

TheCalebB · Post by **TheCalebB** » Fri Jan 29, 2010 9:48 am

first step would be to get EMP weapon. this will disable the robotic ninjas, causing them to fall to the planet, burning up on re-entry and hopefully killing a few schoolgirls, then i clone Hitler and drop him into space so he falls to the planet. all the nazi sharks will try to save him, which leaves me a couple of options, 1. shoot all the sharks while they are distracted, or 2. proceed to the next step in my plan while they are distracted. I would then proceed to clone thousands of copies of Robert Paterson (AKA Edward Cullen) and drop them off onto the planets surface to distract the schoolgirls while i grab the contents off all the boxes then perform a planet jump, annihilating every schoolgirl in the close vicinity.

alpha45 · Post by **alpha45** » Fri Jan 29, 2010 10:26 am

Originally posted by TheCalebB
first step would be to get EMP weapon. this will disable the robotic ninjas, causing them to fall to the planet, burning up on re-entry and hopefully killing a few schoolgirls, then i clone Hitler and drop him into space so he falls to the planet. all the nazi sharks will try to save him, which leaves me a couple of options, 1. shoot all the sharks while they are distracted, or 2. proceed to the next step in my plan while they are distracted. I would then proceed to clone thousands of copies of Robert Paterson (AKA Edward Cullen) and drop them off onto the planets surface to distract the schoolgirls while i grab the contents off all the boxes then perform a planet jump, annihilating every schoolgirl in the close vicinity.

Great idea! I'd love to see thousands of Edward clones get brutally and hilariously slaughtered by schoolgirls!