whose got jokes?

Maarschalk · Post by **Maarschalk** » Fri Jun 04, 2010 11:15 am

LOL.......

:P:P:P:P

BraveHart · Post by **BraveHart** » Fri Jun 04, 2010 3:13 pm

Originally posted by PingBosun
Originally posted by BraveHart
Q: How do you turn Shewter, PingBosun and IcklChesh into Space Dust?

A: Send in Eclipse
It is not EckleChesh it's IckleChesh.

"I before E except after C"....."Yoda moments gotta love 'em"

Yeah I know it's been almost 3 months before this reply but 900 years old you be and reply as fast.....

verbosity · Post by **verbosity** » Fri Jun 04, 2010 8:22 pm

I'm a super hero
I'm 'man' man
I have all the powers of a, er , Man
my arch enemy is " all the stuff that needs done"

Maarschalk · Post by **Maarschalk** » Sat Jun 05, 2010 2:10 pm

A man sits at a bar and had just ordered a fresh pint of beer and feels the urge to go to the bathroom.
He knows if he leaves his fresh pint of beer it will be gone when he gets back. So he spits in his beer and put a note on it that says "I spat in it" and signs his name on it. So the man goes to the bathroom. After ten minutes(Yes relatively a long restroom visit...lol..) he gets back to the bar and noticed that his pint of beer is almost overflowing. He looks on the note and under the "I spat in it" are five other signatures...LOL..

:P:P:P

49rTbird · Post by **49rTbird** » Sat Jun 05, 2010 2:50 pm

Yuuuuuck!:P

Maarschalk · Post by **Maarschalk** » Sat Jun 05, 2010 3:59 pm

What.....

?......That was a clean joke not a dirty one relatively speaking........besides dirty jokes are not allowed on this Forum.....LOL.....

:P:P:P:P

MMaggio · Post by **MMaggio** » Sat Jun 05, 2010 4:19 pm

A young girl wanted to be a "Bubble Dancer"...
Her father said, "No soap" !

GORF · Post by **GORF** » Sat Jun 05, 2010 5:30 pm

http://instantrimshot.com/ open this first , you will know when to hit the button;)

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

A woman goes into a cafe with a duck. She puts the duck on a stool and sits next to it. The waiter comes over and says: â€œHey! That's the ugliest pig that I have ever seen.â€� The woman says: â€œItâ€™s a duck, not a pig.â€� And the Waiter says: â€œI was talking to the duck.â€�
[Edited on 6-5-2010 by GORF]

[Edited on 6-5-2010 by GORF]

Maarschalk · Post by **Maarschalk** » Sun Jun 06, 2010 12:09 am

Questionor: Why do Elephants paint their toe nails red?

Answeror: I don't Know...

Questionor: So they can hide in a cherry tree....

Questionor: Have you ever seen an Elephant hide in a cherry tree?

Answeror: No...never.....!

Questionor: You see, they hide very well don't they?..........

:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P

[Edited on 6-6-2010 by Maarschalk]

Ravenfeeder · Post by **Ravenfeeder** » Sun Jun 06, 2010 7:00 pm

I liked the duck one.

Student son in txt msg to dad: "No mon, no fun, yr son".

Dads' reply: "2 bad, so sad, ur dad" boom boom!

Maarschalk · Post by **Maarschalk** » Tue Jun 08, 2010 12:13 am

The Dutch and the Belgians always make jokes about each other:

Here is a Dutch joke about the Belgians:

Question: Do you know why the Belgians have the window wipers on the inside of their car....?

Answer: Because when they drive they make sputtering engine sounds like "prprprprprprprprprprprprprprprrr"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here is a Belgian joke about the Dutch:

The Belgians always make jokes about how economical the Dutch are.

So a Belgian might ask you: "How do you know you crossed the Belgian border in to Holland?

The answer acording to Belgians is that: "You will start to see toilet paper hanging to dry on the clothes lines..."

warsign · Post by **warsign** » Thu Jun 10, 2010 7:57 am

lol Gorf...

warsign · Post by **warsign** » Thu Jun 10, 2010 8:51 am

Our jokes, especially" Temel" jokes must be in "present tense". I tried to stay close to the original one while translating, hope you like it:

One day "Temel"(a Turkish personage, so funny, has been used alot in jokes) is traveling by plane. He notices that a German is frequently looking at his hand.

And Temel asks:
-Why do you look at your hand again and again?

German answers:
-We developed our technology well, I can watch Tv through my hand!

One hour later, he notices an Englishman sitting in the back seat. He takes his hand to his ear constantly. Temel asks again:

-Why do you take your hand towards your ear repeatedly?

Englishman answers:
- We developed our technology very well, I can talk to my son through my fingers!

Temel is very surprised after all of these and wispers himself "I have to find out something urgently for not to be disgraced!" and goes to the toilet.

In the toilet, he attaches toilet paper on his back, releases some of it like a tail and goes back. English and German see Temel and say in a sarcastic manner:

-What are you doing with toilet paper???

Temel immediately replies:
- A fax comes from the company!!!

[Edited on 6-10-2010 by warsign]

Maarschalk · Post by **Maarschalk** » Thu Jun 10, 2010 4:24 pm

ROFL Warsign.... a good one....

:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P

MMaggio · Post by **MMaggio** » Thu Jun 10, 2010 4:58 pm

Did you hear about the polish General who went to New York and bought up all the used septic tanks?
As soon as they learn to drive them, they are going to war!

Maarschalk · Post by **Maarschalk** » Fri Jun 11, 2010 1:53 am

ROFL....Maggio, but first they have to learn how to dive in to them.......

:P:P:P:P:P

Hopsalot · Post by **Hopsalot** » Mon Jun 14, 2010 4:21 am

Very cute story Warsign!

Here is my contribution:

Two men were marooned on a desert island. They had subsisted for years on a diet consisting only of coconuts, bananas and pineapples. One morning, one of the men said to the other â€œI canâ€™t stand it anymore, today I am going to the other side of the island and getting a slab of bacon from the bacon tree.â€� His friend indicated his doubts about the existence of said tree, but wished his friend a pleasant day in his pursuit of piggy pleasures.

Late that afternoon the man returned. He stumbled into camp filled with several bullet holes, arrow wounds and a large spear stuck through his body. He collapsed at the feet of his friend, looked up and said â€œYou were right, that was no bacon treeâ€¦

â€¦it was a ham bushâ€�.

MMaggio · Post by **MMaggio** » Mon Jun 14, 2010 10:03 am

:(:( Oh no... another groaner:(:(:(

warsign · Post by **warsign** » Mon Jun 14, 2010 1:13 pm

Good one Hopsalot and lol MM...

Maarschalk · Post by **Maarschalk** » Mon Jun 14, 2010 4:00 pm

ROFL...Hopsalot...

:P:P:P:P

Lord Kharn · Post by **Lord Kharn** » Sat Jul 17, 2010 11:06 am

Funny parables my mother told me

"Man who run in front of car get 'tired'"
"Man who run behind car get 'exhausted'"
"Man who sit on top of car get 'winded'"

Ancient words of wisdom from my father.

"Never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die"
"It's not just a bald head, it's a solar panel for a sex machine"
"Cruising down the road listening to Disturbed's 'Indestructible' on a bicycle was great while it lasted. Unfortunately we are not indestructible. I think I can still see my skin on the pavement where my tire blew."

Facts of life that I have learned

"Girls have a different idea of what truth is supposed to sound like. When she asks if it makes her look fat, the only thing wants to hear that shes beautiful."
"If you plan to join the military don't waste time doing homework in school, your grades don't matter. I could have had a lot more fun if I had known that."
"The right thing to do, is almost always the hardest thing to do. And the more right things you do, the harder life gets."

And finally a joke.

Three men arrive at the Pearly Gates close to the same time. St Peter looks baffled for a moment then walks up to the three and says. "I'm sorry but we can only let one more in today, so whoever had the worst death gets in." He then points to the first man to say how he died.

Well I was minding my own business watering my plants on the third story of my apartment. I was out on the balcony you see and the railing broke while I was leaning on it. I fell but managed to grab hold of the second story balcony. For a moment I thought I was safe as a man came rushing over towards me from out of his apartment. Instead of helping me up though the crazy guy stomped on my fingers until I had to let go and I fell another story breaking my legs on the road below. I thought that surely someone would help me, but as I looked up I noticed a refrigerator falling from the 2nd story. I was crushed to death right there!

The second man shakes his head and seems angry from his death. Well I got off work early and was going to surprise my girlfriend at her apartment. Only I noticed her ex-boyfriends car parked outside. There were rumors of her cheating on me with him and this proved it for sure. So I rushed up to the house and banged on the door till she let me in. She was naked and had obviously just gotten done doing the dirty. She swore that no one was in the house and followed me while I searched everywhere. Then I noticed him, the jerk was hanging off the balcony trying to hide! So I stomped on his fingers and he fell. I was so angry that I pushed her fridge over the rail and on top of him. Just as it hit him I had a heart attack from the excitement and died.

St Peter looks at the last man.
Alright so picture this... I'm in a refrigerator...

[Edited on 17-7-2010 by Lord Kharn]

Post by **Marvin** » Sat Jul 17, 2010 4:32 pm

Originally posted by Lord Kharn

"If you plan to join the military don't waste time doing homework in school, your grades don't matter. I could have had a lot more fun if I had known that."

Not really a joke, but all too true. And, if you think about it, why The Draft makes for very bad policy.

Sinbad · Post by **Sinbad** » Sat Jul 17, 2010 5:14 pm

I went to the doctors. He said "I'd like you to lie on the couch". I said "What for?" He said "I'd like to sweep the floor"

I went to the doctors. I said "It hurts when I do that" He said "well don't do it"

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer please" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Maarschalk · Post by **Maarschalk** » Sun Jul 18, 2010 3:42 pm

LOL....relatively some good ones.....

:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P

Ravenfeeder · Post by **Ravenfeeder** » Sun Jul 18, 2010 10:55 pm

A sick one:

The teen lass has sneaked her boyfriend into the house, and they're canoodling away on the sofa when he tells her that he needs to use the toilet.

She: You can't. It's upstairs and they creak like hell. My dad will hear you and go mental.

he: But, I'm bursting.

She: Well, OK, use the kitchen sink.

He: WHAT! Are you serious

She: Yeah, go on, everyone's done it at some time or the other, don't be a sissy.

He: Well... If you're sure.

She: Go on. Get a move on.

He: Well... OK.

After about 10 mins she's getting to wonder what the hell he's doing in there. So, she pushes the kichen door open a tad and wispers in: Are you OK in there?

He: (Whispers back) Yeah, have you any toilet paper?